does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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