maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I AM VODKA MAN
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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