It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i came on her dog
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
