turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
