im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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