Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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