T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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