You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
