seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
