If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You made out with two different species that night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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