This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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