You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
