I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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