It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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