You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
