One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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