if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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