CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Are my feet made of real feet?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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