Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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