I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
