I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
