he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
