Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let's get the cat blown out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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