My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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