you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
