I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We left the knife in your bed.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
