1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
