Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
