don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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