Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
