I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
