I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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