I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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