Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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