I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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