in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
