Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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