Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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