our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude. I can hear the air.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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