I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
