Im at strip club and am horny
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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