hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
