just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
