Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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