he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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