I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
