i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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