he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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