i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
