I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
