Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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