I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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