just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
