Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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