Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
