If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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