pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
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He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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