just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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